Cats vs Dogs

Hello!

               So over the course of my life, I’ve known a lot of people that had a lot of different opinions about cats vs dogs. As a proud owner of two cats and two dogs, I believe I’m a bit of an expert on the subject.

               Cats have two settings - On or Sleep. They’re either at 100% charge or they’re sprawled out on anything (Probably your nicest article of black clothing) in a snoring blob of fur. I’ve also found that there are two kinds of cats, and I have both kinds. One is the cat that hates everything, all the time. If you get near him, he runs from you (unless you’re the bringer of cat treats). If you try to pet him, he bites you. He’s the kind of cat that will start eating you before you hit the ground after suffering a massive coronary infarction. Even if he doesn’t like the taste, he’ll eat you just out of spite. The second kind of cat is the kind that just doesn’t care about anything but food. He’s probably a little obese, doesn’t move around too much, looks like a loaf of bread, could be used as furniture in a pinch. This kind of cat might even wait until he runs out of his own food before he starts to gnaw on you. But that’s only because you don’t taste the best.

               Dogs are a little nicer. They have multiple settings, some of which include Slobber, Sleep, and Hyped-Up-On-Catnip. And they really are man’s best friend. My dogs love anyone, if a human walks into the room they instantly explode into a quivering ball of happiness. There are downsides to having a dog, though. They’re a lot higher maintenance. You’ve got to occasionally get up at 2:30 in the morning to clean up after them, and have to walk them at least three times a day. Mornings especially suck, and they suck even extra when it’s 20 degrees out and there’s snow on the ground, and your dog takes 15 minutes to find the EXACT right spot to take a leak. But they show that they’re worth it when the hop up on your bed at night and fall asleep on your feet, looking extra cute.

               So when people ask me whether I’m a dog or a cat person, I have to say both. Cats and dogs have their ups and downs, but I like them equally. I’d just rather die around a dog, so I don’t get my face eaten off.

Thanks for reading!

Matt Finley